Wednesday, November 25, 2009

America’s Most Wanted: The Pumpkin Edition

Listen up, Americans. If you haven’t turned on the radio in the last couple weeks, or haven’t been to a grocery store recently, you probably have no idea that the United States is in the midst of a crisis. A crisis of epic proportions that will leave you in wide-eyed shock once you discover the culprit behind the mess.

PUMPKINS ALL OVER THE U.S. HAVE GONE ON STRIKE, JUST DAYS BEFORE THANKSGIVING!!!

What would happen if China ran out of moon cakes on Chinese New Year? What if the whole supply of India’s fireworks disappeared before Diwali? Chaos. Mayhem. ANARCHY. You get the idea…

Having no Libby’s on Thanksgiving has sent a devastating message to the American people: that the recession, global warming, and Iraq are NOT the only issues which we should be concerning ourselves with at this time. Its two days before Turkey Day and the people of this country want to know just one thing… “where the hell is all the Libby’s?!”

Well, pumpkins, what’s your deal?

While certain tree-huggers have blamed the lack of pumpkins on environmental reasons (“just a bad harvest” my ass), members of Homeland Security tapped into the Pumpkins’ communication lines to discover the truth behind the matter. What they discovered was a bitter, resentful Pumpkin collective. The Pumpkins were overheard recording an angry speech, presumably to be aired on Pumpkin Patch Podcast for the American public. The following was transcribed from the conversation:

“We, the pumpkins of the United States of America, wish to hereby announce a temporary strike. We have worked tirelessly to provide U.S. citizens with only the finest, purest pumpkin for the past couple hundred years, and while it’s no secret that people in this country enjoy our smooth texture and nutritional properties, we have not once received the credit we deserve. We feel strongly that Americans have lost touch with the nature of pumpkin picking and eating, and consequently, have abandoned their tradition and cultural roots. We are boycotting our support for Libby’s this year, as we are saddened by Libby’s ‘survival of the fittest’ policy. Libby’s uses only the best and brightest of pumpkins, throwing out perfectly delicious pumpkin equivalents with, albeit, somewhat aesthetically-imperfect qualities. OUCH Libby’s, and OUCH Americans for crying a river when your beloved Libby’s can’t be found on the shelf. What happened to Americans tilling their own soils, and baking their own pies from scratch? …….If you’re lucky, you will hear from us again, but not until next season. Till then, why don’t you do as the Pilgrims and Indians did, and make your own goddamn pie!!”

Immediately after their statement was released, conservative groups all over the U.S. declared war on all pumpkins, stating that “Anything and anyone who questions American principles, values, and ideals should be considered a terrorist- or at least a quasi terrorist- and should be detained accordingly.”

My thoughts? I hear you conservative America, I really do. But if pumpkins are sent to Guantanamo, how will we ever rectify the problem of pumpkin shortages in the future? I believe that we should ban together, and help President Obama devise the most appropriate method to handle the pumpkins in a just and humane way, and assure that this be the first, and last time, Americans go a Thanksgiving without Libby’s.

Happy holidays everyone…
Give Thanks.

4 comments:

Meera said...

you are sorely missed, 'pumpkin'

;- )

excellent.

truong said...

Here's a little food for thought - no pun intended. I did a little research on this "devastating" and "crippling" pumpkin shortage.

Libby's Pumpkin is owned by Nestle, the beloved baking and chocolate giant. For the month of November, Nestle had a reported average stock price of $48.34. This just happens to be their highest stock quote of 2009. This is also a 28% increase from Nestle's average stock quote in November of the previous year when the pumpkin "shortage" was non-existent. Now, how much sense does it make that Nestle's stock would go up, when they took such a hit from the shortage and weren't able to put out as much product? From July through September, the average stock price for Nestle hovered and was constant around 41. It then jumped up to 46 and 48 in the months of October and November respectively. Coincidence?

Not only did Nestle's stock price go up, but the activity in the company itself shot up as well between October and November, when the so-called shortage was announced. The average trade volume in October was 579,900. It then jumped up 31% to 833,100 in November, meaning that the trust in the company was substantially higher. Again, why would more people choose to jump on board with a company that just announced that a pumpkin shortage would prevent the masses from having it's beloved Thanksgiving day dessert?

So perhaps this was all just a ploy. Like the saying goes "less is more." By shocking the public into thinking that there would be less on the shelf, people would actually buy more. Perhaps the empty shelves weren't a result of less Libby's, but more a product of droves of panicked consumers buying more and buying earlier. If this is the case, kudos to the marketing department at Nestle.

At the end of the day, I'm going to have to agree with you and say "make your own [goshdarn] pie!"

Smaps said...

@meera: <3

@truong: you are quite the conspiracist, senor! Your research is impressive, but I will have to conduct a "fact-check" before I comment further. Thanks for the contribution!

Alex said...

Wow, I was literally just caught laughing out loud at my desk at work. In case you were worried, I was able to get my pumpkin for Thanksgiving!