In a surprise announcement, Pantene Pro-V announces it has just struck a deal with tech giant, Apple, to release an innovative line of wi-fi hair care products. While details have not been fully disclosed, both companies have stated that the new line of products has emerged as a direct response to consumer demand. In a recent interview, one Pantene spokesman was quoted as saying:
“In today’s age, 24-7 internet access is crucial for businesses and individuals to flourish. Except for the quickly disappearing Mom n’ Pop-type shops, most businesses and schools are equipped with wireless capabilities. From hallways, to basements, to outdoor venues, the wi-fi revolution has transcended every imaginable boundary, with one exception…the bathroom.”
Until
now, that is.
About two years ago, Pantene and Apple met behind closed doors to sign a $1.7 billion dollar deal to support each company’s market research teams on a scheme entitled, “Groundbreaking, Earth shattering, Never-before-been-seen-or-heard.. Research.” The culmination of this research invoked particular “findings” which the two companies hold to be universal truths. Their product development was largely based on two such findings…
First: The majority of working professionals do, in fact,
wash their hair.
And second: The majority of these hair-washing, working professionals
check their email.
Recent polls suggest that the number one problem Americans are concerned with is inadequate wireless access. And the second biggest problem Americans face? A lack of full-bodied, silky shampoo products.
In light of these discoveries, Apple and Pantene Pro-V secured a $7.1 billion dollar deal, thanks in large part to financial assistance from the U.S. federal government. The money has been used to create a full line of shampoo bottles featuring customized, built-in wireless devices. While many liberal fanatics are calling the deal an outrage and a ‘ludicrous waste of government resources’, the two companies don’t appear to be phased by the bad press, dismissing those remarks as being “malicious, slanderous,” and as one anonymous Apple spokesman says, “not surprising coming from a group of dirty hippies…they don’t even use shampoo!!”
Aside from moody Democratic Fundamentalists, the majority of Americans seem excited about the new products. But everyone’s wondering, how exactly does wi-fi shampoo work?
Simple. The shampoo cap, once unscrewed, reveals a miniature touch-screen interface. Once activated, the screen immediately displays an internet homepage, designed by each company’s web developers. A keyboard can be found on the back side of the bottle, where the shampoo’s label would normally be found.
Water resistant and entirely sud-proof, it looks like this new multi-purpose shower companion may well represent the future of American convenience, and a solution to the connectivity conundrum.
Responding to last-minute client emails has never been so easy, with the new
Pantene Pro-Vnet!
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