Friday, April 23, 2010

HIGH HEELS ARE FOR WANKERS

LE BEGINNING:

I walked out of the apartment this morning with a confident swagger. While a bit on the groggy side (not since the days of high school have I managed a 6 a.m., caffeine-free wakeup call), I was feeling pretty good.

I wore a slim-fit, black pencil skirt on bottom and a light pink silk blouse on top. Coupled with a pair of sleek new high heels, I was the symbolic representation of ‘corporate and sexy.’

After I basked in self-glow for an entire two minutes, I took to the streets. I hit the pavement and suddenly felt a bad mood come over me. I was immobilized and trapped. My morning ‘hustle and shuffle’ subway routine was immediately impaired, and with every step, I felt as though I wasn’t moving at all.

What was happening to me? I was going nowhere fast…

OFF WITH THEIR HEELS!

As it turns out, you can’t run in heels. Not only can you not run in heels, you can’t skip, dance, jump or walk to the subway stop either.

Within 24 hours of my high heel purchase, I experienced a brutal reality. The majority of relationships in life tend to represent every emotion and its opposite, and my relationship with these high heels was going to be no different.
Heels may present a seemingly flash and hot exterior, but don’t be fooled. At their core they are corrupt, malicious, and possibly diseased.

FROM HOT TO NOT:

My New York swagger was no longer, and the swiftness of my step was now stifled, leaving me with a terribly unsexy and impish limp. I could tell already- this was not going to be a good day.

(Thirty seconds later)

After I kicked myself (literally, with my steel heel until my ankles bled), I shook my hair loose, regained my composure and set afoot once more.

GIRRRRL, YOU OWN THIS!

“I’ll be damned if anyone recognizes that I’m a rookie in these shoes!” I said to myself.
And just like that, the sun poked its gaze through the clouds, and I felt that my bad mood had disappeared.

I picked up my pace, and suddenly heard someone scream.

“I WAS BORN IN HIGH HEELS!” proclaimed the voice, over and over again.

“I WAS BORN IN HIGH HEELS!!!”

And that’s when I realized, the sound was coming from…me. I was the lunatic screaming at the very top of my lungs.

As I stormed through the streets, neighbors, both young and old, started to cheer. The cheering was quiet at first, but grew increasingly loud with each step. The cheering turned into clapping-it began one clap at a time the way it does in the movies- and the enthusiastic praise echoed throughout the streets.

By the time I reached the subway station, the neighborhood was in an uproar. As I entered the subway terminal, I caught one final glimpse of my neighbors.

“You can do this, Katelyn!” the crowd yelled in unison, “It’s all you!”

I turned to them before entering the tunnel and nodded: Yes, New York, I can.

5 comments:

Britt said...

LOVE it. i just went and tried on a pair of my roommate's heels just so i could feel the girl power myself.

Jens said...

Good reading! I just find it touching how the women of the world push themselves into terrible shoes only for the sake of.... other women, I guess??

Anyway, good luck with the corporate and sexy way of life, Katelyn! Just don't sell your soul to Wall Street:)

Anonymous said...

#1 - Heels are stupid and uncomfortable as hell and were clearly invented by a sadist - #2 - love the girl power but you don't need any high heels to convey that and #3 - you rock in whatever shoes you wear (go barefoot if it gets you what you want!)

Alex said...

As usual, I'm sitting at my desk trying not to laugh out loud at your post b/c I am picturing everything that is going on in your head! Corporate Katelyn? Seems like an oxi-moron but I like it!
Oh and girls look sexy in heels, just sayin...

Ava Adore said...

Yes... and no.

1) You're wearing the wrong pair of heels if you feel immobile in them. Yes, there's a difference in manufacturers, and it's not just in price. I've had great cheap shoes, great expensive shoes, and horrible heels all over the map.

2) You better break them in! Try doing household chores in your shoes. I say that with pain, as I'm a devout third wave feminist, but you will simply not be comfortable walking around, dancing, skipping, or anything in heels you haven't broken in.

3) Wear whatever you feel powerful in. Empowerment doesn't come from shoes any more than it comes from under garments—but it can help, regardless of what they look like. But I'd hate for you to give up on heels just because you may have the wrong pair.

Cheers,
Ava